Victoria Beckham’s America: Hollywood Frills, Diamond Dildos and Other Fictions

Have you heard? They hated my television program. The creeps.

Yes, very sadly, it’s true. Victoria has been terribly misunderstood and subjected to the most vile sorts of public criticism. For example, Linda Stasi had the nerve to write this in the New York Post:

NBC should get down on its knees and make a giant no vena of thanks that soccer star David Beckham was called back to Europe before it could finish filming his relentlessly self-promoting wife’s reality series, “Victoria Beckham: Coming to America.”

And, while we’re at it, the aforementioned relentlessly self-promoting wife should do the same.

If this weren’t a one-shot deal and people were exposed to her vapid, condescending behavior on a weekly basis, she’d not just be unwelcome in America, she’d be run out on a rail – whatever that means.

Anyway, the proposed series, now downsized to a one-hour “special,” is an orgy of self-indulgence so out of whack with, er, reality that you’ll sit there slack-jawed at the gall of these people who think we are that stupid.”

If that wasn’t enough public humiliation for poor Victoria to suffer, Allessandra Standley published these horrible comments in The New York Times:

There has to be something going on behind the scenes because there is no other way to explain so much time and videotape spent on the moving arrangements of Mr. Beckham’s wife. Mrs. Beckham, the once and future Spice Girl nicknamed Posh, is somewhat famous for being sort of famous, and is photographed a lot in Britain, a nation so open to media hypnosis that a Web site devoted to the ripening of a 44-pound wheel of cheddar has received more than a million Internet hits. (As of today Wedginald is on Day 206.)

And watching Victoria Beckham: Coming to America is a little like that site, cheddarvision.tv — although the cheddar probably has an ounce or two on Mrs. Beckham, who is also famous for being thin but with very large breasts.

Seriously, do they look that big, do they really?” she asks, shaking her décolletage during a coffee-shop confrontation with the gossip blogger known as Perez Hilton. “They’re not that big in the flesh,” she explains. The blogger agrees and says he would really prefer a nude picture of Mrs. Beckham’s husband.”

Mr. Beckham’s move to Los Angeles has been promoted by AEG, Mr. Anschutz’s company, with even more than the usual meteor shower of publicity that surrounds a movie opening. The arrival is more like a giant P.R. asteroid hurtling toward Earth.”

I have waited a couple of days to collect my thoughts about all of this. First of all, I was very happy to see that Victoria is taking up right where The Anna Nicole Show left off. Anna, of course, had no real friends. She only had the people that she paid to be around her, like the infamous Bobby Trendy and Howard K. Stern (and I do miss them so). Victoria stepped right into that big empty place, filling it in with her own entourage of faux-friends, including her make-up artist and hair stylist “pals,” to name just a couple.

Second, as you will see in the video that is presented below, Victoria has an incredibly talented, astonishing on-screen presence. Or, as she would put it, “Major.” The best example that I can point out of that amazing talent is her coffee-shop interview with the self-proclaimed gossip-queen Perez Hilton. Victoria Beckham actually manages to make Perez Hilton look something like a real human being, which probably has never occurred on American television previously.

Then, Victoria gives us a discreet, tasteful look at what it’s like to be the honored guest at an afternoon “High Tea” with the golden-haired, Botoxed and bosomy matrons of the super-exclusive “Beverly Hills Socialites Club.” That’s where you get an up-close and real personal look at what real Hollywood money is all about!!

Finally, you should know that The L. A. Times came out with the extremely embarrassing report that David Beckham spent $1.8 million on a diamond-encrusted dildo for Victoria. Of course, true lady that she is, Victoria responded that she doesn’t have it. But since other ditzy Hollywood socialites, like Paris Hilton, have been known to lose things like that down there, Victoria’s disclaimer certainly doesn’t mean that she never had it!

And now for a few modest photographs:

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America

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2 Responses to “Victoria Beckham’s America: Hollywood Frills, Diamond Dildos and Other Fictions”

  1. ramblingjenn Says:

    so tell me how the heck she got her own show?? what i think is really funny is those socialites actually pretended that they knew her music.. if you can even call that music.. people sure are fake but hey i may just be jealous i dont get to be drunk at noon…
    Rambling Jenn

  2. jesse Says:

    The show was fun and not to be taken so seriously… geeez since when americans pretend to be so deep!


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